Just a Little Bit Crazy

Theater...how do I describe thee?


It's like a multi-faceted kaleidoscope of "just a little bit of all types of crazy". I will explain why this is relevant in a bit. But first, I wanted to start off with what I recently heard in a sermon. That is, the very simple reminder to "Count your blessings." The more time you spend counting and reflecting on your blessings, the less time you complain, resulting in less time being bitter. This was the general gist of what I took away.


Back to "all types of crazy": Yesterday I received a very lengthy email from an infuriated co-worker about the unprofessionalism and underhanded manner in which I undermined her show because I lent out costumes that were put aside for "Cabaret" to our most recent production "Dark at the Top of the Stairs". As I reflect on the things she mentioned, I won't lie and say I'm happy about it. In fact, my initial response was one of anger, and insult at the assumptions she had made, and the overemotional way she had gone about accusing the people around her. But as I try to take this simple message of "counting your blessings" into account, I reflected on that "little bit of crazy" that's in all of us.


What I mean is, part of being thankful for the things around you includes trying to understand that the world is sinful, and that you are no more deserving than the next "crazy" person. I spent some time trying to see the world in a light where everyone is "just a little crazy". Sometimes, that's just how you have to view and deal with the people you work with in a theater department--it makes these kinds of situations just a little more bearable. You can't spend so much time mulling over the mistakes and regrets and the guilt of what coulda, shoulda, woulda. In the end, all you can do is try to change what you can, and accept what you can't.


So I guess what I'm trying to get out of this is that...everyone's got a little bit of the crazy streak. Whether it's that slight OCD moment where you get a random spasm, or it's a volcano eruption--everyone has their days. It makes life "just a little bit more interesting" for the rest of us who are still trying to figure out our own crazy. So to all the crazies out there--sometimes you gotta relax, and tone it down a bit...but rock on! Without the craziness, theater wouldn't be what it is today! For the rest of you who think you're NOT crazy--be thankful that you have the crazies in your life so that you can feel sane every once in a while. But remember--you're crazy'll come out sooner or later.

LMNtary Introvert

There are moments when I look back at my life, and I start contemplating--are there things I regret? Are there different choices I could have made? Would things have been different if I had chosen differently, or had done things differently? People say you should always look forward, and never live in regret. Things in your life happen for a reason, and we must continue to push past our mistakes in order to grow towards the future.

I would agree with all of this save one thing. I think we HAVE to look back in order to learn from our mistakes. There's a difference between dwelling on the past, and using our past to guide our futures. I can't say I'm the best at reflecting, but I look at my past, and there are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish there were things I had known back then, so that I could have squeezed the fullest "everything" out of those moments--the most joy, the most pain, the most perseverance, the most wisdom. That I could have experienced those moments in a way that would have changed not only my life, but changed the lives of those around me more.

When I think about what Christians say about how they want to live their lives, there is always a sense of purpose and a "higher calling" if you will. The one thing I look back and realize I haven't done enough of, is making a more conscious effort to be an active part of the lives around me. Whether it's my co-workers, my closest friends, my family, or my boyfriend, there've been a lot of ways I've shied away from living my life completely and totally in line with the God I believe in, and His POWER that I claim to believe in.

One of the reasons I feel like this has been such a huge difficulty for me, is an issue I've really struggled with for many years. It's the battle of understanding what being an introvert really means, and how that affects the way I live. Maybe I'm reading into the whole difference between introverts and extroverts, but I always get a sense that a majority of the world seems to promote extroverts as the "better half" so to speak. They're more outgoing, they're more friendly, and they're not always so emo about being by themselves (let's be real...haha). I've been trying to find a loophole to this whole theory, because I feel like introverts always get ridiculous questions, like, "why can't you be more outgoing? Why are you always keeping to yourself? Why don't you socialize with other people?" It's almost like an unfair advantage.

I've also been realizing how hard it really is to understand the other half. You think you know how they think, and how to communicate with one another, so that there is an equal balance. But when the personality differences becomes a point of impasse, how do the two sides come to an agreement or an understanding, if neither extroverts or introverts are able to communicate their position to the other side?

Why IS being an introvert such an oddity? Why is is that some people have it so easy when they socialize with other people? They fit right into the community with such ease, and community equally accepts them. But when someone chooses to be by themselves, or chooses to keep out of social interactions, they're seen as the weird or much to quiet kid. The one that doesn't seem as fun to be around. Maybe she's nice, or maybe she's shy, but it's not as fun hanging out with her. Or why doesn't he talk? His silence makes me uncomfortable. Why is he always by himself?" I've never understood that. Is it something God is not okay with? Does God desire us to be more extroverted? Or more willing to reach out to people? Does that automatically mean introverts don't have the right "skills"? It's a confusing point for me.

Sometimes I feel like I have to fight with God on who He's made me to be. I know in my heart that each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. But when people I care about tell me who I'm supposed to be, or make me feel guilty for being the way I am, or wrong for acting the way I do, I start questioning, who am I supposed to be again? How do I live a confident life in Christ, when all I hear around me is, "Don't ask these questions. Why can't you be more like this? Why don't you do this more often? Maybe if you did THIS instead of THAT, they would accept you more. You need to change this, because that isn't right. Well, maybe you did this when you shouldn't have..." The endless voices of criticism are deafening. And in the loud roar, God's whisper is barely audible. I lose sight of Him, and who He says I am.

So this is my shout out to the world: "I AM AN INTROVERT, AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF IT!!" We are a breed of our own. God has made me this way. Sure, sometimes I really can't stand being around people, or maybe it's just my way of saying I like to be alone with my thoughts. Whatever the explanation, maybe some won't ever understand what that means, but I stand by who I am. I need to remind myself that God is bigger than the voices, bigger than than the temptations, bigger than my fears and my doubts, and my weird quirks, or my lack thereof. God is bigger than my popularity, and what other people may think of me. And God is way bigger than all of my relational issues.

Originally for this entry, I started writing out of a lot of frustration, and disappointment--in people, in myself, in God--but God continues to prove His faithfulness. Even in my anger, I cannot turn away from him, and His ever-faithful words remind me, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). He remains near me, even when I have forsaken Him. Let each of us be reminded of how faithful He is to us. We have no need or right to be angry, disappointed, upset, hurt, or doubtful of who we are, and what path we are following. Jesus has already paid the penalty, and he took all those sins upon him so that we might not be burdened by them.

Focusing on the Right Priorities

It's been strange, but I feel that lately, God has really been humbling me. I've moved into a new location, I've started a new job, and I've lost a lot of the support that I've come to lean on in the last few years. God completely threw me into a whole new experience, and I felt completely like a fish out of water.

When I initially arrived in Wilkes-Barre (apparently I've heard it pronounced Wilkes-BEAR and Wilkes BEAR-E...nobody REALLY knows how to pronounce this town name after all), I was disappointed at how small it looked, and how uneventful the city seemed. Coming on a weekend to this sleepy town is not for the urban city dweller. Most everything is closed, or closes early. Many of the buildings LOOK abandoned, and many buildings which look like they should be occupied ARE abandoned. Since none of my work craziness had really started up yet, I found myself with overwhelming amounts of free time, where I had nothing to do, or didn't know what exactly to do with myself.

The workaholic in me decided to pursue my projects hardcore over the new few days, and I tried desperately to keep myself busy trying to prepare for the project days I knew were going to be crazier and busier than I could even imagine. In the midst of that, I found myself easily distracted, and in being so, I sought more time to reconnect with God, as well as taking more time to exercise and work on keeping healthy. I started pushing myself to run everyday, read a little bit of my Bible everyday (which is still just as hard as when I was barely reading at all), and spend more time in prayer and speaking with God.

Only a few weeks ago, I had grown tired of the routine that is the Christian life, and I started questioning why I even needed to go to church when I was just going because I couldn't imagine NOT going from force of habit. There was not heart or desire to seek God, and find purpose in my life again. After recent events, I started realizing how wrong my thinking was, and how seriously I needed to address these issues, and start reflecting on what was causing me to turn so far away from God.

Being on my own again after a year away from college, it's been really great to take control of my own schedule, and be able to do things at my own pace. I've always been really independent, so even though it was tough having all this free time, I think i'm really enjoying just meditating on the beauty of the nature around me. In addition, I've been meeting new people, who have such interesting stories of their own to tell.

I made a point to find a church nearby which I could attend, because as much as I've tried to rebel against the Christian routine I've been brought up in, I've always felt that God has mandated obedience. For me, church has always been a part of my life. Like I said before, I can't imagine myself NOT attending church. Even on my own, I want to find a place and a community where it may be possible for me to meet Jesus, even when I don't feel Him near, or even when I don't feel like I am in the right place.

Google is literally a lifesaver. I google searched churches nearby where I was staying, and found that one of the closest ones was "First Baptist". A walkable distance from my house, I decided to attend. Partially because it was close, but a big part of my decision was based on the fact that I had never attended a baptist church, and something about attending a baptist church made me think of a Bible-thumping black congregation where shouts and hollers of "hallelujah"'s and "amen"'s were commonly heard. It's weird that I was so drawn to such a different kind of service.

Having seen some pretty evangelical/enthusiastic churches, I thought I'd seen it all. I thought I knew it all. But as I entered the church grounds, the first two people I was greeted by, were Bobby and Linda. Both very friendly, and so excited to speak about their church and the great people there, and the great pastor, Shawn Walker. I was also really humbled by their stories of faith, and their testimony.

Bobby had been working for a while, but recently got laid off, and came back to try and reconnect with his mother, who'd previously been a drug addict. Both of his parents are now separated. His dad works 12+ hours a day. As a boy looking up to his dad, Bobby made a point to work hard and go to a school that wouldn't cost his family money, in order to save them from having to pay off his tuition. He entered Drexel University and graduated with a full-scholarship without any loans. Just hearing how hard he worked in order to save his family from the financial burden of a college education, I was so touched by how much he sought and found Christ in the midst of a broken family, and sought to repair the strained relationship he had with his mother.

I was further humbled, when I heard Linda's testimony. Part of a 12 step fellowship program for recovering narcotics addicts, she was helping others like her to full-recovery at a rehab. house. Her only duty was to make sure the women went to their meetings, and made an active choice to fight the addiction. She also fought her own addiction to smoking, and had been sober for (i think) 5 weeks. it was her own determination to say, "hey, this isn't healthy for my body. Why am I doing this?" that took me aback, and made me reconsider the addictions to worrying that I had been dealing with the past month. When she mentioned one particular woman in the house that her heart really broke for, who had gotten in a seriously bad relationship with another homeless man, and refused to take control of her life, despite her insisting she wanted to get custody of her kids back, I could see how much Linda really cared for this woman, and how much she wanted to reach out to her, even though she knew emotionally she couldn't, due to the nature of her job.

The most humbling thing in the midst of these stories, and the midst of these people that I met, was not the fact that they cared so much for these people, but the fact that the loved Jesus so much, and had come from such broken backgrounds. I attended Bible study Wednesday night (June 28th), and i heard even more stories of people who had lost jobs, people who had surgeries and were fighting fears of sickness and ill-health, people who had suffered from drug addictions, alcohol addictions, or just homelessness. it was a wake-up call, because I was surrounded by people who had come from much humbler backgrounds than I had. Some of these people I met had never lived in a real home, that was their own, until now. They had lived in halfway houses, or rehab homes, where addictions had come to rule their lives, and they had only recently broken free of them. There were people who had lost their way, and had grown up in what I can only call ghetto neighborhoods, and arrived at this church, and were rejoicing that they had found Jesus here in this place.

I think I am so often forgetful of all I have been blessed with. I have a roof over my head, more than enough food to feed me, a bed to sleep on, parents who would do anything for me, a safe neighborhood to walk in. Not to be racist, but when I entered the church, it was a very shabby place and the people were dressed very differently than I was used to. To say I am privileged is immeasurably more than I can say for these people. And if anything, I realized how much I, unknowingly, had looked down upon them at first glance.

At Bible study, I was immediately greeted by several people. I'm not going to lie, initially I felt really uncomfortable and completely out of place there. The first week I went to church there, it wasn't really a service so much as a celebration of the closing of their VBS program. Still, I stayed for the "service" and for their bbq lunch. I was greeted very cordially, by the Pastor, who looked young enough to have been an older brother, and he was so welcoming and friendly. He even suggested, that if I didn't feel comfortable at that church, or if I was looking for a different style of church, he could pass me along to some other churches in the area. Ironically, when he told me this, I heard God saying, "I know you're uncomfortable, but this is my challenge. You need to be here. You need to see this. You need to meet these people, and put yourself out of your comfort zone." I'm not gonna lie, a big part of me wanting to stay here was the challenge. Sure I felt uncomfortable, but I saw it as a test, and I saw it as a way for me to meet new people, in a new setting, in a new kind of environment. I've always been one to explore and experience new "cultures", and I really saw this as a completely new adventure.

When I went to Bible study, I was immediately greeted by several people. Kurt was a man who gave me his testimony of having turned away for so long, and finding Jesus in this church, which led him to stay here in Wilkes-Barre for two years. Betty, another woman who had lost a lot of teeth, but was so talkative and friendly, and just seemed like she really wanted a friend, and wanted to get to know me as well. She recently had hip surgery, and was also estranged from her eldest daughter, but you could hear it in her voice, she loved them so much, and was sad to know that they did not care for her the same way they used to anymore.

I was introduced to Audrey, and her daughter Diane. I met James, and Eric, who is one of the friendliest big black teddy-bear of a man you could ever hope to meet. He already had a nickname for me by the end of the night, and gave me a HUGE bear hug at the end of the meeting. I have never felt so welcomed, and so humiliated at the same time. Humiliated, because I had made such a presupposed judgment about these people, and instead they had returned that with utter kindness.

Pastor Shawn remembered me from Sunday, and introduced me to everyone else in the room, hoping to make me feel welcomed and accepted into their church. They didn't treat me like the outsider asian (I was the only one), and I just became a part of their family. Everyone knew everyone else, and everyone knew everyone else's business. It was just a natural part of the way the church was run.

I'm not going to lie, once I left Bible study, I felt like a literal weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I've been dealing with a lot of self-reflection, and reassessment of my life and how fulfilling the path I've chosen has been. We talked about how we are so easily distracted by other "priorities". We make excuses to forget the most important priority of them all--God. He has a plan for our lives, and He knows our choices may lead us on a detour. But in the end, God knows that things will work out for us. He knows that He has a plan for our good, not for harm.

Pastor Shawn used one illustration which I found so visually stunning. We are like dogs on a retractable leash. God allows us to go so far, but once we hit that point where we've past the "safe" zone, God will pull us back in. He will not allow us to go so far that we will be in harm's way. He tests us, and allows us to go to a certain point, in order to test our faith, and try us, but He will never let us be overwhelmed. In that way, He is the constant protector. It just made me picture myself, so easily drawn to other things, and the worries of my life, that I lose sight of my Father, who is always behind me, even when I don't feel it.

I truly would be lost without Him. It's not any easier these days. I am still worrying about my future; about what will happen; about why it is, that I can't be more confident, or more trusting, or more open, or more loving, of more affectionate. The list continues. But I want to gain confidence in knowing that I am EXACTLY who God has made me to be, and no other job, or status, or success, will bring me the joy and the peace of a fulfilled life than serving God as my first priority before all other things. It's hard to remember that everything else will fall into place once you trust and obey God. But that's how it's SUPPOSED to work. It's not about our agenda.

God, it's time for your wake-up call to take effect. Start....NOW.

Renewed Outlook

As I've come to this point in my life, there's been a lot of regrets, and a lot of things I wish I could've changed about myself. The past month, I've been running away from God, and finding every excuse to go against everything I've been taught. On the way, I've hurt a lot of people I really care about, and I realized that the words I said, and the opinions I thought were true, really just ended up being careless, thoughtless, insensitive, and more often than not, untrue.

Looking back on, and reflecting on who I was, and the person I became as I strayed further and further away from God, helped me to see that I am far from ready to be who He has called me to be. There are so many things I need to learn still, and so many lessons I need Him to teach me. There is so much I need to entrust to Him, and I've been so stubbornly relying on myself that I no longer know how to react when I'm not able to do that any longer. I get freaked out, and I push people and God away.

I realize how MUCH of a fight the Christian walk really is. I think that's what got me so tired in the first place. Always feeling like I have to fight so hard to defend my position. I had to justify what was right and what I needed to do in order to live a holy life.

When I finally returned to fg yesterday, a girl in our group made a really good point-When we truly believe in something with all our hearts and with complete faith, we will naturally WANT to life a holy life, outpoured in righteous living. We are sinful, so naturally we will fall, but to pursue a life that is pleasing to Him, is something we should desire. Sure it'll take work, because when we fail, it's not as easy to get back up. But our faith in our God should uplift us, and encourage us to keep fighting, and to keep persevering.

It's something that's so easy for me to forget. I lose sight of that truth. I think I write it off as a truth I've been taught since I was little, but it's almost become a sort of cliche. The truth doesn't hold as much meaning to me anymore, which is what scares me the most.

I've realized over the past years, that I let my emotions control my decisions and my words a lot. Many of the things I say to people, including people I care about, have been based on my emotions--sure they're blunt and they honestly disclose how I feel at the time, but it's hurtful, and a lot of times, more spiteful than I intend. In the end, I end up saying things I either don't mean, or things that I never should've said aloud.

There's a wisdom in knowing the right things to say, and the right actions to take. This was something I was never very good at. I guess I wanted to take this time to apologize to the people I've hurt, and the people I cared about. You are so much better than what I've said to you, and what I've assumed is true.

I think a lot of what I said was an incorrect assumption that stemmed from my own pride in thinking I was better than other people, or that I deserved more recognition or more attention than other people. I can't promise that this will never happen again, but I am so deeply sorry for the words I spoke, and I only hope that I can learn to speak wisely without hurting those I care about.

I'm not gonna lie, being left alone with my thoughts is excruciatingly painful, and it has been a hard week. But I suppose this is necessary. Everything happens for a reason. I've come to understand that. Unfortunately a lot of times I don't realize it until AFTER it's happened. STUPID HINDSIGHT!

The Day After Doomsday

Ironic how people can be so easily persuaded that the world is going to end on May 21st, 2011, at 6 PM, but they are so averse to the truth about a real and living Gospel, and a real and living “end of the world” when approached by Christians. To them, this is the last plight of a desperate soul who knows (or sees this as) his last chance for redemption, or a last chance to party.

So what exactly was I doing the day before “DOOMSDAY”? I spent the day with my co-workers at Annella Designs talking about what they were planning to do before the final hour, and what they believed would lead up to this alleged end. A small part of me was actually convinced for a split second that the world actually COULD end tomorrow. I mean let’s face it, who are we to question God if He decides to make the day tomorrow? And people talking “big” can really frighten you—when your co-workers are talking about the sky looks so ominous and joking about being “left behind”, it kind of makes you think twice about what you’ve done with your life.

At the same time, it’s also sad hearing about what people are trying to do, and accomplish in the last hours. One of my co-workers was hoping to go home and pray with his mom for the end. You hear others who are planning on having a huge rapture party. Maybe I’m taking it too seriously, but on the way home, I kept hearing Britney Spears’ song, “Til the World Ends”. It was almost foreboding the way the words kind of just hung in the air like humidity, dripping and uncomfortable.

Deep down, I know that I have assurance in my walk with God, but a big part of me was ashamed that I was still so scared and unsure of what really was going to happen. I’m not going to lie, a big part of me was filled with relief when it hit 6:01 pm today. And as much as this sounds like another rollercoaster peak, where I’m fighting to regain my devotional life and relationship with God stemmed from guilt, I think this question was a good wakeup call, and a reminder to persevere, once again. I do believe that God saves me, and that He forgives. But every once in a while, we need an extra push, whether or not that means taking these “ridiculous crazy predictions” in stride as a reminder of His power, or if that means further action, by changing our small habits to little by little include Him in more and more of our day.

Romans 6:5-Just reading this verse after my small panic attack of fear at where I stand with God…I am SO AMAZED at how He still works. Just listen to God’s reassurance through Paul: “For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.” What promise He has in store for us! Even in my doubt, I am so encouraged by this truth, in knowing that I am in right standing with God, because I am united with Him in dying to sin.

At the end of the chapter, Paul writes, “For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death.” It makes me question some of the things I’ve participated in that made me reassess to what purpose and end they resulted in. When we choose to sin, we are making a conscious effort to ignore and avoid righteousness. But Paul makes a good point—if it’s something that makes us ashamed of what we did, in the sight of God, what good is that in the end? What good does it do for us? What do our decisions produce in the long run? There is no positive end. There is no good that comes from our conscious decision to ignore His word—it only begets death.

So what happens if we consciously choose righteousness instead? Paul’s answer is resounding, and so incredible: “But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.” Choosing righteousness and following Christ means that we are constantly being changed for the better, and becoming more and more sanctified or holy daily. It’s not an easy fight. No, God promises it’ll be hard, and we will suffer trials. But the conscious decisions we make to serve Him, and hold fast to His word, in return, keep us obedient and give us the hope that He is molding us into his perfect image, and we have the reward of eternal life awaiting us.

To A Very Special Person

Dear Matt,

I want to take this time to say thank you so much, for all you do, and for all you've put up with. The past almost-8-months, we've come a long way in our relationship, even considering the fact that I've known you for more than 5 years now. (6? I don't know, it could be 8 for all I know). I am so thankful for someone like you, and even though I have a hard time saying it aloud in words sometimes, I am really so lucky to have you in my life. I have to admit, it's been weird not having you around all the time, and as much as I hate to admit it, you are the glue that makes my life stick together sometimes. I see how much you brighten the people around you, and what an amazing personality you are. You draw people in with your light, and with your kindness, and with your love for people. That's something I wish I had, and something I will always envy and treasure at the same time.

Sometimes, I fail to uplift you, and my words are blunt and sometimes hurtful. The best image I can think of is shards of glass--once something beautiful, but now something broken, and painful. I tend to push people away, and sometimes you get caught in the crossfire. But I've been realizing that even though I want to think that I have it all together, and that I'm independent and always pursuing my own goals and my own direction, you are always encouraging me, and always pushing me to strive for better. That's something I've never asked for, and yet, God has really blessed me with you. Your patience and easy-going attitude could drive me insane, but at the same time, they are just what I need for my crazy mess of emotions sometimes. Thank you for being the balance in my life.

Now onto the materialistic qualities:

YOU KNOW, I never realized how MUCH of an extrovert you are, until I saw how much people took notice of you at the club shoot the second day we filmed. Robin, Chloe, and Gabrielle all asked about you, and genuinely seemed to like hanging out with you. It's a characteristic friendliness that I can't imagine ever having myself, but it's so awesome to see that gift within you. You reach out to people so well. I was just really touched to see that in person.

I also wanted to say how awesome it is that I have a photographer as a boyfriend. As a designer, I love that you are so crazy about seeing the world through the film of the artistic lens. It comforts me to know that I have someone who can at least SOMEWHAT understand my dilemma of having a passion that is severely under-appreciated, and more often than not, severely underpaid. I find comfort in knowing that we walk similar paths in terms of pursuing the beauty that is in God's creation.

Thanks for putting up with my best friends--Esther and Char, you two are AMAZING...but I can only BEGIN to imagine the kind of fun you're having with him. I love that the three of you get along so well, and it puts my heart to rest knowing you're in good hands (each one of you). Thanks for making math and the Transitive property that much greater, and that much more fun.

I hope this love letter finds you safe in HK. As you deal with the trials that are inevitable on every family trip, I just want to say thank you ONE MORE TIME, and thank you for praying me so faithfully. I have yet to find someone who has so faithfully exhibited Christ to me so well (MAYBE with the exception of my parents). I am so grateful. And knowing how much you will appreciate this and treasure it because your Love Language is Words of Affirmation, I end this heartfelt note with a full heart, because I know that my words will not go unheard, and that you will take these words of encouragement with you as you travel.

I really am so proud of our relationship. This isn't arrogance. It stems from confidence in knowing that God is slowly changing me, and showing me how to take in this blessing, and learn how much more He loves me in spite of my sin.

STILL SO AMAZED!

Love,
Jo

Before the Fall...

I began reading this book called "The Church Awakening", by Charles Swindoll, and within the first few pages, I started realizing, our churches are ERODING. As Swindoll states, churches today have lost the sight of the original vision and purpose of the church that Christ began in 0 AD. As a result, its people have lost sight of the simplicity of the gospel, and the conviction of Christianity.

What does this mean? It means people don't read about, study, and KNOW, the gospel story, or even the history behind, and the prophesy foretold of the child who was sent to redeem all mankind because of sin. Many Christians call themselves Christians, because they think going to church is what warrants their claim. Or they think they've been pretty good people so far, and that they don't foresee any troublemaking tendencies that could cause their downfall. The original truth of the depravity of man, and the deserved death that we all should be doomed for, is long forgotten, and too "heavy" of a truth for most people to accept. It's a truth that sometimes even I don't want to really believe. But it is a truth nonetheless. One of the characteristics of the early church, as Swindoll stated, was their unyielding commitment to the "apostles' truth"--that is, the truth of Christ's salvation. It was this simple truth, without rules, laws, and regulations or standards, that was the foundation of the early church.

It is interesting now, seeing how rules and regulations are such a necessary part of running our church. Most people have become cynical, and skeptical about the truth, and without such standards, a church fails to promote the teaching/preaching, fellowship, breaking bread, and prayer that is Christ-centered, and Word-focused.

It makes me think, how am I contributing to the church's erosion? Or how can I help to keep it from eroding? Have I given in and surrendered to certain "truths" which have so deceived me that I no longer can tell truth from lie anymore? It is the lies that consume us so much more easily, and more quickly, than truths convict us.

i've realized how complacent I've become in the last couple of years. Every week I remember Pastor Young mentioning how real spiritual warfare is. More often than not, it doesn't hit me HOW real it all is--that we are constantly under spiritual attack. It's not something we're constantly aware of until we start seeing everything in a kingdom light. What I mean by this, is that we begin to see our lives in light of our heavenly future. Living from day to day, just to get by, hardly gets me thinking about my heavenly afterlife. But it's there. It's real. And seeing my body and my mind go under physical and mental attack has really made me realize how hard Satan is willing to go, to make me feel unwanted, and unworthy.

As i go through this week trying to understand how to live my life fully for Him, and how to glorify Him in all I do, there are many mistakes I make. There's a lot of bitterness at the sin in this world, and at my own pride, and my own stubbornness. Still, I was reminded yesterday by a very interesting source, that I am very blessed. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have even more to be repentant for. And I was reminded that God is faithful, and that sometimes it requires being still, to listen for His voice, and trust in His plan. Sometimes that means staying in place, and just waiting for His direction. All I can do at this point, is try to live my life daily in communication with him, and trusting that He is keeping me here, or blocking certain opportunities, for a reason. And when it comes to contributing to the church's erosion, all I can do it persevere and fight with all my might against the sinfulness and the stubbornness that keeps me from serving Him completely. It means delving into His word more, and fully understanding and holding to the truths and the promises He gives me.

LMNtary: Day One

It's been a long time since I've written a blog, or a journal of any kind for that matter. To be honest, I'm not the best with words, and, unfortunately, my English has gotten worse, not better. Still, I was told once by one of my best friends, and now boyfriend, that writing helps you get your thoughts out, and helps you forget things less. That's one thing I definitely need work on, so I suppose it's appropriate to say, "Anchors Away".

Most people look back on their life, and mark specific memories in time. Or sometimes, it's a bit more general--"my college years were...", or "back in the day, when I was still in hs...". To be honest, I'm not much of a dweller. Or to be more specific, I pick and choose what I dwell on. Visual memories of particular locations, or particular topics of conversation that came up at those moments are what I remember the best. And sometimes, trying to remember what you've accomplished over a span of 22 years boils down really to very few defining moments when I felt like I had made something of myself--when I really felt like I was so right with God, and so right with where I was going with my life.

When people ask me to write a testimony, or think about how God has worked in my life, I often have mixed feelings about what to say. Do I talk about how I have always known God was real, and working in the lives of so many who follow Him, or do I mention how God has taught me through severe storms, and a lot of disappointment, how to rely on Him, and be obedient? Or, do I talk about how I am still struggling with the fact that I don't have control of my own life, and where God wants me?

It is a hard road to walk, Christianity. And when I look back at the big moments of my life, there were times when I felt so in tune with God. So right in what I believed, and so convicted, in what I had been taught since young--that God is bigger than my problems, bigger than my fears, that He is a PERSONAL God, who comes to meet us, and sent His one and only Son, whom He LOVED, to die for our sins, IN OUR PLACE. I've known all these things--God saves us by GRACE, not by works. There is NOTHING we can do to save ourselves from our depravity.

I grew up in a Christian home since I was young, and having known nothing else, I didn't question the truths that my parents taught and indoctrinated me with. They loved me with what I can only describe as spiritual and sacrificial love that one can only understand when they reach parenthood. God was always first in our family, in our lives, in our work. They even went so far as to send me to a Christian school from elementary to my senior year of high school.

High school was a very memorable and different experience for me. It became my family. It became my second home. And some of the teachers there became some of my closest advisors, and friends. Many would scoff at the idea of going to a Christian school--in fact, many of the friends I met in college and beyond equated it with Catholic school. While I've never attended a Catholic school, I do not compare the two in the slightest. Not only did the teachers here care so deeply about educating their students, they went out of their way to train us, nurture our talents, and befriend and encourage us to our greatest potential. Unfortunately, this description doesn't even begin to do it justice. But for those of you who know Jesus personally, I can only describe it as a Christ-guided, and Christ-like love.

During this time, there were two teachers who spoke to me the most. The first, my piano teacher, with whom I had studied under for 12 years prior to college. In fact, due to my longstanding career as a piano performer under her tutelage, I chose to apply for 5 out of my 6 schools as a piano performance major. It was truly by the grace of God that I was accepted into all 5 of the schools I applied at, and I am so thankful to this teacher, and for my parents, who kept pushing me to continue and challenge myself to play and enjoy the piano to the level that I was able to play. The second teacher who inspired me was my art teacher in high school. One of the fiercest women you will ever meet, she is also one of the most soft spoken, loving, and strong women of God that anyone would ever come across. Her life was an inspiration, and having worked with her in so many capacities in my school--being in the art room 75% of the time during my senior year, working with her on countless productions doing everything from building and painting the set, to assisting with costumes, working out lighting, and managing the sound system--I was daily amazed by how driven she was, and how creatively God had made her, and how blessed I was that He had put someone like her in my life. My final college application went out to Syracuse University, with a degree in fashion design, which I ended up accepting, and since then, while there have been regrets, I haven't looked back. Even in this decision, I felt God teaching me, using me, and blessing me with opportunities to see Him speaking to me.

As I continued my education at Syracuse, my path to finding a church was completely directed by God. Shortly before college, I met up with someone from a fellow church who had graduated from the same program in fashion design. She connected me to a Korean church, and the first Sunday, I attended the first freshman service at the Korean Church of Syracuse.

As a freshman, I had a lot of expectations for a church. Coming from a Christian school background, my expectations were pretty high. So the first few weeks, I took to exploring a few churches in the area, in order to find a church that I felt I fit into the best. God had other plans for me, and as I attempted to obediently serve Him, I found myself getting really involved in the college ministry at KCS. It became my new family in a home far away from home. The biggest blessing I received from this church was seeing God moving among the people. We went from a small congregation of about 20 people in my freshman year, to a fairly consistent congregation of 100 people by my fourth year. I love singing, and I found my place on the worship team, using the piano skills I had from my 12 years of learning. I am so blessed that God allowed and placed me in that church to be used to the fullest, even though I made the decision not to pursue piano performance.

While I would like to say this story is filled with encouragement, that wouldn't be the Christian life. I faced a lot of disappointments, and I lost a lot of friends during college. While I fought hard to obey and serve in the church ministry as I felt called to do, I felt myself enter into a trap of depression after four years of living in new york. I started to blame myself for not being good enough, and even though I could never openly say that I was angry with God, or doubting why He couldn't make my personality more outgoing, or my motivation more convicting or why He couldn't take away my feelings of selfishness, and depression, and loneliness, I think subconsciously, I couldn't help but feel abandoned, and distant from Him. I blamed myself for the friendships that I felt I hadn't maintained, and the people that I had hurt. Even when i tried to do the right thing, I was so focused on what people thought of me, and trying to stay on people's good side. I hated conflict, and I took things very personally.

Towards the end of my college career, before I even began to realize it, I felt myself slowly being drawn away from God with my feelings of cynicism, and frustration with people, and with myself. As I transitioned into the phase between college and the working world, I began working in the film industry. A very tough industry spiritually, it also remains very unstable, and inconsistent. Finding myself in such an unpredictable field was exciting, and what I thought I wanted, but it was frightening at the same time. It makes trusting in God that much harder, and requires a completely different discipline to balance work, and time with God.

I began to slowly get out of the habits of reading my Bible everday, spending time with Him everyday, and just praying continually for the lost everyday. I struggle to fight the voice that continually tells me the truths I have always known were really just cliches. That what God did, isn't as big as I've always been told it is. My dissatisfaction with where my life had headed, and my perpetual state of confusion about where I needed to go, and whether or not it was His will, made me question God, and I became angry at the thought that I felt so aimless, so inferior, and so unmotivated. This is something I still struggle with today, and everytime I hear Pastor Young from my church talk about a spiritual battle being real, I feel it in my walk. I visualize the demons that are constantly trying to tell me I'll never be good enough, I'll never be strong enough--that I don't deserve His love.

While my story doesn't necessarily end the way these kinds of stories should end (according to most Christians), I've realized it's a constant fight. It will be a constant struggle. There are days I feel so close to God, and days that I feel so far away from Him. One thing I realized over the last few days as I was writing this, was that no matter how I am feeling, it doesn't define how God feels about me, and what God is doing in my life. There are moments in my life where I am so amazed at what He does through me, and who He speaks to through me. It is never what I expect, and it is always more than I trust Him to, but slowly He is redeeming me, humbling me, and I do truly believe that He will place me wherever is best for me, and wherever He can use me the most. Whatever choice I make, I can only pray that it will be Him directing and guiding me as I walk the narrow path.