Renewed Outlook

As I've come to this point in my life, there's been a lot of regrets, and a lot of things I wish I could've changed about myself. The past month, I've been running away from God, and finding every excuse to go against everything I've been taught. On the way, I've hurt a lot of people I really care about, and I realized that the words I said, and the opinions I thought were true, really just ended up being careless, thoughtless, insensitive, and more often than not, untrue.

Looking back on, and reflecting on who I was, and the person I became as I strayed further and further away from God, helped me to see that I am far from ready to be who He has called me to be. There are so many things I need to learn still, and so many lessons I need Him to teach me. There is so much I need to entrust to Him, and I've been so stubbornly relying on myself that I no longer know how to react when I'm not able to do that any longer. I get freaked out, and I push people and God away.

I realize how MUCH of a fight the Christian walk really is. I think that's what got me so tired in the first place. Always feeling like I have to fight so hard to defend my position. I had to justify what was right and what I needed to do in order to live a holy life.

When I finally returned to fg yesterday, a girl in our group made a really good point-When we truly believe in something with all our hearts and with complete faith, we will naturally WANT to life a holy life, outpoured in righteous living. We are sinful, so naturally we will fall, but to pursue a life that is pleasing to Him, is something we should desire. Sure it'll take work, because when we fail, it's not as easy to get back up. But our faith in our God should uplift us, and encourage us to keep fighting, and to keep persevering.

It's something that's so easy for me to forget. I lose sight of that truth. I think I write it off as a truth I've been taught since I was little, but it's almost become a sort of cliche. The truth doesn't hold as much meaning to me anymore, which is what scares me the most.

I've realized over the past years, that I let my emotions control my decisions and my words a lot. Many of the things I say to people, including people I care about, have been based on my emotions--sure they're blunt and they honestly disclose how I feel at the time, but it's hurtful, and a lot of times, more spiteful than I intend. In the end, I end up saying things I either don't mean, or things that I never should've said aloud.

There's a wisdom in knowing the right things to say, and the right actions to take. This was something I was never very good at. I guess I wanted to take this time to apologize to the people I've hurt, and the people I cared about. You are so much better than what I've said to you, and what I've assumed is true.

I think a lot of what I said was an incorrect assumption that stemmed from my own pride in thinking I was better than other people, or that I deserved more recognition or more attention than other people. I can't promise that this will never happen again, but I am so deeply sorry for the words I spoke, and I only hope that I can learn to speak wisely without hurting those I care about.

I'm not gonna lie, being left alone with my thoughts is excruciatingly painful, and it has been a hard week. But I suppose this is necessary. Everything happens for a reason. I've come to understand that. Unfortunately a lot of times I don't realize it until AFTER it's happened. STUPID HINDSIGHT!