LMNtary: Day One

It's been a long time since I've written a blog, or a journal of any kind for that matter. To be honest, I'm not the best with words, and, unfortunately, my English has gotten worse, not better. Still, I was told once by one of my best friends, and now boyfriend, that writing helps you get your thoughts out, and helps you forget things less. That's one thing I definitely need work on, so I suppose it's appropriate to say, "Anchors Away".

Most people look back on their life, and mark specific memories in time. Or sometimes, it's a bit more general--"my college years were...", or "back in the day, when I was still in hs...". To be honest, I'm not much of a dweller. Or to be more specific, I pick and choose what I dwell on. Visual memories of particular locations, or particular topics of conversation that came up at those moments are what I remember the best. And sometimes, trying to remember what you've accomplished over a span of 22 years boils down really to very few defining moments when I felt like I had made something of myself--when I really felt like I was so right with God, and so right with where I was going with my life.

When people ask me to write a testimony, or think about how God has worked in my life, I often have mixed feelings about what to say. Do I talk about how I have always known God was real, and working in the lives of so many who follow Him, or do I mention how God has taught me through severe storms, and a lot of disappointment, how to rely on Him, and be obedient? Or, do I talk about how I am still struggling with the fact that I don't have control of my own life, and where God wants me?

It is a hard road to walk, Christianity. And when I look back at the big moments of my life, there were times when I felt so in tune with God. So right in what I believed, and so convicted, in what I had been taught since young--that God is bigger than my problems, bigger than my fears, that He is a PERSONAL God, who comes to meet us, and sent His one and only Son, whom He LOVED, to die for our sins, IN OUR PLACE. I've known all these things--God saves us by GRACE, not by works. There is NOTHING we can do to save ourselves from our depravity.

I grew up in a Christian home since I was young, and having known nothing else, I didn't question the truths that my parents taught and indoctrinated me with. They loved me with what I can only describe as spiritual and sacrificial love that one can only understand when they reach parenthood. God was always first in our family, in our lives, in our work. They even went so far as to send me to a Christian school from elementary to my senior year of high school.

High school was a very memorable and different experience for me. It became my family. It became my second home. And some of the teachers there became some of my closest advisors, and friends. Many would scoff at the idea of going to a Christian school--in fact, many of the friends I met in college and beyond equated it with Catholic school. While I've never attended a Catholic school, I do not compare the two in the slightest. Not only did the teachers here care so deeply about educating their students, they went out of their way to train us, nurture our talents, and befriend and encourage us to our greatest potential. Unfortunately, this description doesn't even begin to do it justice. But for those of you who know Jesus personally, I can only describe it as a Christ-guided, and Christ-like love.

During this time, there were two teachers who spoke to me the most. The first, my piano teacher, with whom I had studied under for 12 years prior to college. In fact, due to my longstanding career as a piano performer under her tutelage, I chose to apply for 5 out of my 6 schools as a piano performance major. It was truly by the grace of God that I was accepted into all 5 of the schools I applied at, and I am so thankful to this teacher, and for my parents, who kept pushing me to continue and challenge myself to play and enjoy the piano to the level that I was able to play. The second teacher who inspired me was my art teacher in high school. One of the fiercest women you will ever meet, she is also one of the most soft spoken, loving, and strong women of God that anyone would ever come across. Her life was an inspiration, and having worked with her in so many capacities in my school--being in the art room 75% of the time during my senior year, working with her on countless productions doing everything from building and painting the set, to assisting with costumes, working out lighting, and managing the sound system--I was daily amazed by how driven she was, and how creatively God had made her, and how blessed I was that He had put someone like her in my life. My final college application went out to Syracuse University, with a degree in fashion design, which I ended up accepting, and since then, while there have been regrets, I haven't looked back. Even in this decision, I felt God teaching me, using me, and blessing me with opportunities to see Him speaking to me.

As I continued my education at Syracuse, my path to finding a church was completely directed by God. Shortly before college, I met up with someone from a fellow church who had graduated from the same program in fashion design. She connected me to a Korean church, and the first Sunday, I attended the first freshman service at the Korean Church of Syracuse.

As a freshman, I had a lot of expectations for a church. Coming from a Christian school background, my expectations were pretty high. So the first few weeks, I took to exploring a few churches in the area, in order to find a church that I felt I fit into the best. God had other plans for me, and as I attempted to obediently serve Him, I found myself getting really involved in the college ministry at KCS. It became my new family in a home far away from home. The biggest blessing I received from this church was seeing God moving among the people. We went from a small congregation of about 20 people in my freshman year, to a fairly consistent congregation of 100 people by my fourth year. I love singing, and I found my place on the worship team, using the piano skills I had from my 12 years of learning. I am so blessed that God allowed and placed me in that church to be used to the fullest, even though I made the decision not to pursue piano performance.

While I would like to say this story is filled with encouragement, that wouldn't be the Christian life. I faced a lot of disappointments, and I lost a lot of friends during college. While I fought hard to obey and serve in the church ministry as I felt called to do, I felt myself enter into a trap of depression after four years of living in new york. I started to blame myself for not being good enough, and even though I could never openly say that I was angry with God, or doubting why He couldn't make my personality more outgoing, or my motivation more convicting or why He couldn't take away my feelings of selfishness, and depression, and loneliness, I think subconsciously, I couldn't help but feel abandoned, and distant from Him. I blamed myself for the friendships that I felt I hadn't maintained, and the people that I had hurt. Even when i tried to do the right thing, I was so focused on what people thought of me, and trying to stay on people's good side. I hated conflict, and I took things very personally.

Towards the end of my college career, before I even began to realize it, I felt myself slowly being drawn away from God with my feelings of cynicism, and frustration with people, and with myself. As I transitioned into the phase between college and the working world, I began working in the film industry. A very tough industry spiritually, it also remains very unstable, and inconsistent. Finding myself in such an unpredictable field was exciting, and what I thought I wanted, but it was frightening at the same time. It makes trusting in God that much harder, and requires a completely different discipline to balance work, and time with God.

I began to slowly get out of the habits of reading my Bible everday, spending time with Him everyday, and just praying continually for the lost everyday. I struggle to fight the voice that continually tells me the truths I have always known were really just cliches. That what God did, isn't as big as I've always been told it is. My dissatisfaction with where my life had headed, and my perpetual state of confusion about where I needed to go, and whether or not it was His will, made me question God, and I became angry at the thought that I felt so aimless, so inferior, and so unmotivated. This is something I still struggle with today, and everytime I hear Pastor Young from my church talk about a spiritual battle being real, I feel it in my walk. I visualize the demons that are constantly trying to tell me I'll never be good enough, I'll never be strong enough--that I don't deserve His love.

While my story doesn't necessarily end the way these kinds of stories should end (according to most Christians), I've realized it's a constant fight. It will be a constant struggle. There are days I feel so close to God, and days that I feel so far away from Him. One thing I realized over the last few days as I was writing this, was that no matter how I am feeling, it doesn't define how God feels about me, and what God is doing in my life. There are moments in my life where I am so amazed at what He does through me, and who He speaks to through me. It is never what I expect, and it is always more than I trust Him to, but slowly He is redeeming me, humbling me, and I do truly believe that He will place me wherever is best for me, and wherever He can use me the most. Whatever choice I make, I can only pray that it will be Him directing and guiding me as I walk the narrow path.