There are moments when I look back at my life, and I start contemplating--are there things I regret? Are there different choices I could have made? Would things have been different if I had chosen differently, or had done things differently? People say you should always look forward, and never live in regret. Things in your life happen for a reason, and we must continue to push past our mistakes in order to grow towards the future.
I would agree with all of this save one thing. I think we HAVE to look back in order to learn from our mistakes. There's a difference between dwelling on the past, and using our past to guide our futures. I can't say I'm the best at reflecting, but I look at my past, and there are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish there were things I had known back then, so that I could have squeezed the fullest "everything" out of those moments--the most joy, the most pain, the most perseverance, the most wisdom. That I could have experienced those moments in a way that would have changed not only my life, but changed the lives of those around me more.
When I think about what Christians say about how they want to live their lives, there is always a sense of purpose and a "higher calling" if you will. The one thing I look back and realize I haven't done enough of, is making a more conscious effort to be an active part of the lives around me. Whether it's my co-workers, my closest friends, my family, or my boyfriend, there've been a lot of ways I've shied away from living my life completely and totally in line with the God I believe in, and His POWER that I claim to believe in.
One of the reasons I feel like this has been such a huge difficulty for me, is an issue I've really struggled with for many years. It's the battle of understanding what being an introvert really means, and how that affects the way I live. Maybe I'm reading into the whole difference between introverts and extroverts, but I always get a sense that a majority of the world seems to promote extroverts as the "better half" so to speak. They're more outgoing, they're more friendly, and they're not always so emo about being by themselves (let's be real...haha). I've been trying to find a loophole to this whole theory, because I feel like introverts always get ridiculous questions, like, "why can't you be more outgoing? Why are you always keeping to yourself? Why don't you socialize with other people?" It's almost like an unfair advantage.
I've also been realizing how hard it really is to understand the other half. You think you know how they think, and how to communicate with one another, so that there is an equal balance. But when the personality differences becomes a point of impasse, how do the two sides come to an agreement or an understanding, if neither extroverts or introverts are able to communicate their position to the other side?
Why IS being an introvert such an oddity? Why is is that some people have it so easy when they socialize with other people? They fit right into the community with such ease, and community equally accepts them. But when someone chooses to be by themselves, or chooses to keep out of social interactions, they're seen as the weird or much to quiet kid. The one that doesn't seem as fun to be around. Maybe she's nice, or maybe she's shy, but it's not as fun hanging out with her. Or why doesn't he talk? His silence makes me uncomfortable. Why is he always by himself?" I've never understood that. Is it something God is not okay with? Does God desire us to be more extroverted? Or more willing to reach out to people? Does that automatically mean introverts don't have the right "skills"? It's a confusing point for me.
Sometimes I feel like I have to fight with God on who He's made me to be. I know in my heart that each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. But when people I care about tell me who I'm supposed to be, or make me feel guilty for being the way I am, or wrong for acting the way I do, I start questioning, who am I supposed to be again? How do I live a confident life in Christ, when all I hear around me is, "Don't ask these questions. Why can't you be more like this? Why don't you do this more often? Maybe if you did THIS instead of THAT, they would accept you more. You need to change this, because that isn't right. Well, maybe you did this when you shouldn't have..." The endless voices of criticism are deafening. And in the loud roar, God's whisper is barely audible. I lose sight of Him, and who He says I am.
So this is my shout out to the world: "I AM AN INTROVERT, AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF IT!!" We are a breed of our own. God has made me this way. Sure, sometimes I really can't stand being around people, or maybe it's just my way of saying I like to be alone with my thoughts. Whatever the explanation, maybe some won't ever understand what that means, but I stand by who I am. I need to remind myself that God is bigger than the voices, bigger than than the temptations, bigger than my fears and my doubts, and my weird quirks, or my lack thereof. God is bigger than my popularity, and what other people may think of me. And God is way bigger than all of my relational issues.
Originally for this entry, I started writing out of a lot of frustration, and disappointment--in people, in myself, in God--but God continues to prove His faithfulness. Even in my anger, I cannot turn away from him, and His ever-faithful words remind me, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). He remains near me, even when I have forsaken Him. Let each of us be reminded of how faithful He is to us. We have no need or right to be angry, disappointed, upset, hurt, or doubtful of who we are, and what path we are following. Jesus has already paid the penalty, and he took all those sins upon him so that we might not be burdened by them.
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